I had started writing about this not intending for it to have anything to do with Twin Flames and so not necessarily belonging on my Twin Flame blog, but in actuality it has everything to do with the Twin Flame Journey. This is the Self Work. This is the Self Love. Finally taking a stand against the ego that kept me small. Finally embracing the Truth I've been avoiding about my day to day tendencies, dysfunctional behaviors and self abuses.
Freeing myself from addiction has naturally been a part of the self healing and purification process in preparation for Union. The crazy part is that it has seemed less of a personal choice and more like being dumped down a Divine water slide into the swimming pool of my Destiny, because I had no choice in the matter. It was like, do it or be subjected to unspeakable amounts of pain and suffering, days spent in bed, work days missed, etc. Earlier in the year it was the necessarily elimination of all cane sugar from my diet, the elimination of almost all starchy carbohydrates (including gluten) and almost all dairy. Sugar in particular was a matter of life or death.
First there were the substance addictions to deal with. I've never smoked and ever since my Awakening really started to happen full force in January, I have not wanted any alcohol because it compromised my ability to connect with my Twin on the energy plane. Sugar however, was a hardcore substance addiction for me and I still have lingering food addiction in general. I'll save all that for another post, because right now I want to talk about another form of addiction, and that is to destructive behavioral patterns in how we relate to our bodies. I also realized today that I overeat to escape from being present in my compromised body when I am experiencing the pain of my back being subluxated because I have neglected to care for my hyper mobility. The two addictions cycle around each other viciously.
I am a back cracking, neck popping addict. I have a severe addiction to it. It is my heroin. I am proclaiming to whoever is reading this that I. Have. A. Problem.
So now I am accountable to change.
On May 1st, 2014 at 12:03pm, I contacted my Twin, one of the isolated times in my life that I have done so. She received the message but did not reply. I was naturally bummed for a few days. But she made contact with me on the energy plane, a few days later. She connected with me telepathically and it was unmistakable; an experience I'd never had before. She presented herself in a manner that offered a big clue to her identity on the physical plane so I would know it was her. She came to me in that semi-conscious state between wake and sleep. To this day it is the most significant occasion where I have received an undeniable message from our Higher Self. It came through as this:
"We are not ready to meet yet. You were meant to be a template for humanity of all that is possible for the vibrant, strong human body to be, to express and create through movement and dance. When you are this, then we will meet in the physical."
I was born with overly lax joints, a beautiful, divine gift when used for dance and movement, and a curse for she who is careless and refuses to care meticulously for her gift by doing the right kind of counter strengthening. "I'm really strong already." my ego said. There are a million different ways to be strong and I was matching apples to oranges.
I have hyper mobile joints AND I am addicted to reckless self-chiropractic manipulation. The combination multiplies the repercussions of both. My intercostal connective tissue is a hot inflamed mess due to my inane movement habits alone even though I gave up sugar and other inflammatory foods January (although I'm sure it takes more than a year for the inflammation from a lifetime of consuming those to drain).
I also have a neck deformity. Looking back at a particularly foreboding set of X-rays that I blocked out and chose not to take seriously when I was 24 years old, I had a reverse banana curve in my neck. I had a new set of X-rays taken just the other day, seven years later, and it actually only showed a military neck (an improvement from the former) between phase 1 and phase 2 of degeneration with calcification and some arthritis starting (which means that with the directionless, bail out chiropractic care I've given it since age 24, it's bad but not as bad as it used to be). The prognosis was that it could return to normal if treated intensely and proactively over the long term but I am coming close to moving into phase 2 where returning to normal is approaching far reaching. It's time to pay attention and embrace this healing journey that God invited me on 7 years ago but I chose not to see.
I have been yelled at by many a chiropractor and been told that I am doing serious damage to myself. But I could never bring myself to stop because "how could something that feels so good and so similar to what professional treatments feel like be bad?" I was so used to the travesty of dropping $90 on a professional adjustment only to have it disperse shortly after because I was hyper mobile and lacking in joint strength.
I'm sitting here with the second worse back spasm I have ever had in my life. This is the Universe telling me that It Is Time to Wake Up and have some respect and integrity around how I treat myself in preparation for my rebirth. It is time to ask the right health-related questions. It is time to remember that my physical quality of life and physical experience in my blessed body was meant to be more than what I had previously settled on.
I've found a chiropractor who will work with me with recovery as my goal (as opposed to low-cost maintenance or damage control). "It appears that you do not respond well to manipulations that elicit a crack/pop. So I'm going to use Koren Specific Technique instead. The device used is called an arthrostim." he said. I so associated the euphoria of being cracked at the chiropractor's office to feeling better that I wonder if all the crack style chiropractic I have had in my life contributed to the mental breakdown that lead to addiction to self manipulation.
So This is my declaration. Cold Turkey. I will bear hug myself consciously and slowly. I will consciously and slowly go into trunk twist. Most importantly, I will counter-strengthen at every turn. Counter-strengthening is not just for astronauts. I will consciously and slowly stretch my wrists and fingers back and forth and if a pop happens to happen during any of these moves, I can accept that it was supposed to happen.
But I will not pop my neck with the accelerated force of a jet plane. I will not recklessly throw myself up against every hard surface I can find to crack anything and everything that will crack in my thoracic spine. I will not slam my scapulas together with the intensity of a car crash because my ribs are out -- because that was not even the right direction I was supposed to be pushing them in anyway. So addicted was I to creating any kind of movement or popping feeling I could that I couldn't even stop to see that!
That is my statement. No more. It will take a month to break the cycle of addiction, several days for the acute intensity of wanting it to subside (or many days depending on the direction this spasm takes), and two months to get on the up swing.
I am ready to be Reborn as the person in the body that I was meant to be.